The Price Of My Revenge
Moderators: Loon E Lou, Kuhlerblynd, Glamtrash, Borat
The Price Of My Revenge
I think I'm gonna rewrite this piece with more creative vocab sum day cus I like the story, so this is sort of a simplified version. Leave sum feed though..
There's a flood of blood in the green operating room
An old woman on the table, still wearing shoes
Surgeons running around, dressed in green gowns
And the ECG-monitor is screaming out loud
I'm sitting in the corridor, surgeons scream: "Clear!"
The sound of the electric shock spears my ears
I close them with my shaking hands, I don't wanna hear
I haven't felt this kinda fear in years, and the tears
that I've shed today have been black and bloody
And my Mom use to say that I'm so pretty and ruddy
And now she's lying there, bleeding all over the floor
While the culprit is sitting right behind the door
And only because I need to get my fucking revenge
Just to be the witness to see where it ends
It was a senseless attack and I knew it as well
But I was too proud to bury the beef by myself
And when I saw them, my gun released my rage
Then it was too late, I shot my own mama in the face
One fucking straybullet ruined the whole day
She was almost dead when the ambulance arrived
I fucked it all up just to win one strife
And now I heard when the final shock cleaved the air
I lowed my head and crossed my hands for prayer
One surgeon came out, wearing bloody rubber gloves
He was quiet, I knew Mom had moved on
I couldn't watch him and I didn't even want to know
So I got up and ran out of the green door
I ran out of the hospital without looking back
I couldn't even breath freely I was so mad
at myself that I didn't realize I stood on the road
Screaming myself that how the fuck I'd cope
I turned around and a bumper crashed my face
Mother, guess yer going to the better place...
There's a flood of blood in the green operating room
An old woman on the table, still wearing shoes
Surgeons running around, dressed in green gowns
And the ECG-monitor is screaming out loud
I'm sitting in the corridor, surgeons scream: "Clear!"
The sound of the electric shock spears my ears
I close them with my shaking hands, I don't wanna hear
I haven't felt this kinda fear in years, and the tears
that I've shed today have been black and bloody
And my Mom use to say that I'm so pretty and ruddy
And now she's lying there, bleeding all over the floor
While the culprit is sitting right behind the door
And only because I need to get my fucking revenge
Just to be the witness to see where it ends
It was a senseless attack and I knew it as well
But I was too proud to bury the beef by myself
And when I saw them, my gun released my rage
Then it was too late, I shot my own mama in the face
One fucking straybullet ruined the whole day
She was almost dead when the ambulance arrived
I fucked it all up just to win one strife
And now I heard when the final shock cleaved the air
I lowed my head and crossed my hands for prayer
One surgeon came out, wearing bloody rubber gloves
He was quiet, I knew Mom had moved on
I couldn't watch him and I didn't even want to know
So I got up and ran out of the green door
I ran out of the hospital without looking back
I couldn't even breath freely I was so mad
at myself that I didn't realize I stood on the road
Screaming myself that how the fuck I'd cope
I turned around and a bumper crashed my face
Mother, guess yer going to the better place...
~Spoof a.k.a Scaremonger~
"I tell 'em what they don't wanna hear"
aright so i was feelin this, kinda had a plot twist in it which was dope, as a poem ill rate this well,
but i always like to give a lil negative to help improvement, so id suggest like you said work on the vocab, more edjectives to add more depth, and more comparisons or "similies" would make this dope, you can find the deffinition here, loved the feeling put into it but just be more descriptive bro
but i always like to give a lil negative to help improvement, so id suggest like you said work on the vocab, more edjectives to add more depth, and more comparisons or "similies" would make this dope, you can find the deffinition here, loved the feeling put into it but just be more descriptive bro
facin me? its mission impossible, like pickin up lesbian broads
fuck all these thespian frauds, they "bug me" like espionage
- *.HarleQuin.*
- lady PrecisE
- Posts: 1012
- Joined: Thu Jan 25, 2007 12:13 pm
- Wins: 17
- Losses: 11
- Contact:
- -TraMaTiK-
- Unstoppable Emcee
- Posts: 2046
- Joined: Fri Oct 13, 2006 7:59 am
- Wins: 6
- Losses: 17
well i have one word... DAMN... deep as hell... great story line... very well thought out... the story goes great... i'd love to see more of this... good job 9/10 thats what i give it
Don't Let The Game Make U, Make Urself
Lawgix
Illest Radio
"Sometimes You Gotta Stand By Your Failures To Recognize Your Success" Joe Budden
Lawgix
Illest Radio
"Sometimes You Gotta Stand By Your Failures To Recognize Your Success" Joe Budden
pest wrote:You look Easy... Whats Good?
AntiMaTTer wrote:lmao ...is this how you hit on all the chicks?
- complexity
- Elevated
- Posts: 9689
- Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2006 9:09 am
- Wins: 48
- Losses: 15
- Location: Maine
- Contact:
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests