Jokes sick and raunchy, anything that's funny

[32neilz]

I love jokes so I'm gonna start posting them here. Feel free to add to it.

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last person alive." Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?" Wiped the smug look off her face.

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[32neilz]

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.

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[32neilz]

When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

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[32neilz]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

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[32neilz]

My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once." At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!" "Give me an example," she replied."Well, while I was fucking you last night, I was thinking about your friend."

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[32neilz]

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

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[32neilz]

How did I get out of Iraq?
Iran

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[Omnie]

A man walks into a bar and says, "ow"!!!

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[illadelphiakid]

How much coke did Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill 2 and a half men.

[32neilz]

What's green, smelly and oozes out of a man's penis?

I'm not sure, but I do hope it's not life threatening.

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[32neilz]

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

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[32neilz]

I went into HMV yesterday and walked up to the assistant.
I said "I'll have Adele's latest release please, it's for my daughter."
He said "Single?"I replied
"Yes, and if you're looking to charm her, she loves a cheeky finger up her arse."

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[Immortal Jav]

Lol i cant beat your jokes 32

[Defiance]

SO a Puppeteer visits a farmer one day
And the farmer offers to show him around the farm
first he shows him the cow stable
the puppeteer approaches the cow and asks
"hey cow hows life on the farm"
To which the "cow" replies
"not good this farmer squeezes all the milk out of me and makes me work the plow till im brittle"
The Farmer Gasps and says
"what! how can this be!!, i've been around this animal for years and never heard it talk"

The puppeteer pays no heed and asks to be shown more
So next they approach the Pig pen, and the Puppeteer approaches the pig pen and asks
"hey pigs how does this farmer treat you guys"
to which the pigs reply
"bad,,, he feeds us junk food and makes us wallow in our own filth, just to cook us and make us into bacon"

to this the Farmer is shocked, he didnt know his farm was str9 out of an orson wells novel

So they go on through the tour meeting ducks and chickens tired of getting eggs stolen, dogs that are tire of being foot rests, and horses that are tired of a fat farmer riding their back

they start nearing the sheep enclosement, and the puppeteer asks the Sheep
"and how does the farmer treat you guys"

and before the puppeteer could answer his own question, the farmer

screams out


"THEIR LIARS"

[32neilz]

The wife asked me to clean the lounge today, so I flicked the duster around for a few minutes then sat down with a beer.

"was that the plan?" she said icily. "Do such a bad job that you never get asked again?"

"yep" I replied. "Pretty much the same as your sex plan. Cheers."

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