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No tears

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 4:18 pm
by optic
i felt the pain but invisoned happiness
still felt the same so i went to the cabinets
popped the top of the bottle to stop the madness
swallowed every last one and collapsed to the matress
i had troubles and struggles i felt the sadness
now im grinnin and chilling as i slip to the blackness

Re: No tears

Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:54 pm
by Glamtrash
For the record - the more feed you leave, the more you'll get.

Short, but gets the point across lol. I'm always a fan of this topic, because it's very relatable. However, though the imagery was there; the simplistic vocabulary, spelling mistake, and lack of punctuation and creativity wreck it for me. Also the colours hurt my eyes lol.

I do like how the name of the piece matches your username lol. Perfection is reached through rehersal. Keep em comin.

Oh, and welcome to Illest :)

[ Post made via Android ] Image

Re: No tears

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 12:49 am
by CBK
very short, the first four lines were nicely worded an flowed well .. welcome to illest man.

Re: No tears

Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 6:46 am
by optic
thanks for the feedback and the welcome

Re: No tears

Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 10:49 am
by Dream


I think you are on the right track, really.
Emotion was there. Topic's very relatable for most.

I'd suggest maybe using a spell check, before posting.
As multiple spelling errors can really throw readers off.

Also, lose the colors.
Especially the neon greens, ew.