My Entire World

Expand your artistic ability through poetry and story telling. Poetry has been given new life ever since the inception of hip hop. Relax for a minute and explore your poetic side here.

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Kuhlerblynd
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My Entire World

Post by Kuhlerblynd »

I'm not known for dropping too many pieces in the poetry forum, and while some might feel this isn't really written as a poem, I feel like the emotion is just too raw to put it in any other forum on the site...

ANYONE THAT LEAVES FEED ON THIS AND WOULD LIKE ME TO RETURN THE FAVOR, PLEASE LEAVE A LINK FOR ME TO FOLLOW OR TELL ME THE NAME OF THE PIECE YOU WOULD LIKE ME TO READ...

Every single day I LEARN SHIT, try to apply and WORK IT in life like poetic VERSES
Until the very meaning is BURNED IN, showing CONCERN WHEN people forget no one is PERFECT
Including me; SEARCH IT, past~mistakes that could fascinate minds at a rapid~rate
Somehow in the back,~my~brain is where lessons are fast~to~fade as if my passion’s~changed
Faster than a new fashion~came, seasoned yet SPICE FREE, LIKELY to be found FIGHTING
Against whatever LIFE BRINGS, emotions come out of HIDING, TRYING to be released through WRITIING…

This is to you, the love~in~my~sight, my hugs~in~the~night, every little touch~that~is~nice
My special crush~and~my~light, my inner tug~to~do~right, the one foremost and in front~of~my~life
Gaining the trust~of~my~wife, your feelings opening to me isn’t easy, but you’re SHOWING AND PROVING
This is so small, but I’m HOPING IT'S MOVING you CLOSER, WHILE SMOOTHING this ROAD THAT YOU'RE CHOOSING
That BOLDLY COMES TO ME, you deserve~movements in your name, in which this work’s~useless
Despite this versed~trueness, I’m in turn~stupid, because you deserve the best offered of Earth’s~humans
I’m trying to learn~you~and, it’s not an EASY FEAT, quite EASILY I’m finding out you’re not NEEDING ME
The thought has CONCEIVED IN ME, BREEDING DEEP, without you I’m BREATHING WEAK while I DREAM OF SLEEP
INDEED I SPEAK of how much you MEAN TO ME, how life will never beat PEACEFULLY like it SEEMS TO BE
Except when you BELIEVE IN ME in front of everyone, not secretly keeping whatever it is you SEE IN ME
How you take care in READING EACH fumbled~line that comes from my humbled~mind, I love~you’re~mine
If we would have met another~time, I’d probably fucking~find you had no interest in Kuhlerblynd
Somehow you saw inside me and something~shined, I’ll NEVER KNOW WHAT, whether CLEVER OR TOUGH
But the BLESSINGS ABOVE have came down, and without you, I know the door to HEAVEN CLOSED SHUT
I want to be fortunate and FOREVER KNOW LOVE, the kind shared~with~you that’s so fair~and~true
Always to repair~the~blues of despair~that’s~moved from what most would call their cherished~youth
No one could ever compare~to~you, greatest FRIEND OF MINE, I only hope a single SENTENCE FINDS
You smiling after all this, as I wish you will always be beside me, my love until the END OF TIME….
--~Murk McNasty~--
Battle WRECKord 42-8
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Soulo
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Re: My Entire World

Post by Soulo »

Take my feedback with intention to improve. I think you're forcing rhymes that dictate how you write your verses.

"past~mistakes that could fascinate minds at a rapid~rate
Somehow in the back,~my~brain is where lessons are fast~to~fade as if my passion’s~changed
Faster than a new fashion~came, seasoned yet SPICE FREE, LIKELY to be found FIGHTING
Against whatever LIFE BRINGS, emotions come out of HIDING, TRYING to be released through WRITIING…"

"This is to you, the love~in~my~sight, my hugs~in~the~night, every little touch~that~is~nice
My special crush~and~my~light, my inner tug~to~do~right, the one foremost and in front~of~my~life"

"The thought has CONCEIVED IN ME, BREEDING DEEP, without you I’m BREATHING WEAK while I DREAM OF SLEEP
INDEED I SPEAK of how much you MEAN TO ME, how life will never beat PEACEFULLY like it SEEMS TO BE"

Also, remember every generation has written about love, so it's more attention-grabbing if you deviate from the normal.

CrazyPete
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Re: My Entire World

Post by CrazyPete »

Very raw. Could use a little more polish (though you may already know that) but then sometimes polishing something too much takes away from the urgency and emotion, both of which come through well. I think too that the intensity of the piece does help one to empathize, which is both rare and important.
I would also respectively disagree with Soulo: I think that the oldest themes (and therefore one could argue the most overplayed) are the most (only?) important ones to humans. These are the ones that are hardwired into us. Of course the bar then becomes higher....

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CBK
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Re: My Entire World

Post by CBK »

thats not poetry there sick bars ...

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Kuhlerblynd
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Re: My Entire World

Post by Kuhlerblynd »

Thanks alot for the feed. It's much appreciated.
--~Murk McNasty~--
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MonuMental
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Re: My Entire World

Post by MonuMental »

This shit was snapping the entire way through. Real shit. I dunno what the fuck Soulo was on about, and I don't think anything needs to be altered or edited in or out of this piece. The flow and movement was perfect, the multies were disastrous all the way through, and the way you approached this topic on a real kinda tip really made this piece take the cake in my eyes as the favorite one you've done. If I had to quote, I'd quote the whole thing. That's how honestly clean this was to me, poetry or flowetry, you did the damn thang, homie. Respect.

Just a new lil piece of mine you can peep and feed when you find the time.
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/free- ... 24577.html
[center]Peel back the facade and behold a bold insanity,
With no repose or vanity, composed of inhumanity.[/center]
[center]Image[/center]
[center]Image[/center]
[center]Image[/center]
[center]Illest Awards For 2011:
Text MC of the Year- MonuMental
Class of 2011- MonuMental, Enlightend, 3rd String, CBK, and Pest
Writer of the Year- MonuMental
Written of the Year- MonuMental 'A Series of Unfortunate Events'[/center]

[center]a-series-of-unfortunate-events-vt23866.html[/center]

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Glamtrash
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Re: My Entire World

Post by Glamtrash »

its disgustingly beautiful lol. i'd call it a written but hey, to each their own. I always love a man that's true to him. It's cute as hell dude. part 2 to follow?

www.illestlyrics.com/board/less-is-more-vt23979.html
;)

[ Post made via Android ] Image

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MOEstradamus
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Re: My Entire World

Post by MOEstradamus »

you killed it hands down... i dont really like reading poems but yours had me going start to finish good shit bro dont really know what else to leave feed on about it so keeping it simple... killed it
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