Hip Hop Forum

senile felines, was it a bar or a bat i saw,
snug&raw was i ere i saw war&guns,
Revered now I live on. O did I do no evil, I wonder ever?.
Do Good's deeds live on? No, Evil's deeds do, O God. Reviled did I live, said I, as evil I did deliver.
Doom an evil deed, liven a mood,
God, a red nugget A fat egg under a dog.
No lemons, no melon. No it is opposition,
Drab as a fool, as aloof as a bard.
now sir a war is won. < + >

-- Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:47 am --

Kida all over the place. Subject wise.

Structure wasnt as bad second time around. I read this in the sb.

Come up with a subject and stick to it.

[ Post made via iPhone ]

Thanks lol.

interesting topic choice. Mediocre vocabulary, and short. It shouldn't be both unless you know it can stand to.

Keep em comin, kid.

[ Post made via Android ]

did neither of you pick up on the fact that its palindromic?

It's very hard to write a good palindromic verse. For what it is I would say it's alright, still kinda sketchy, you did do better with it then I could. I think you should keep trying cause it will only get better with practice.

[ Post made via Windows Smartphone ]

Hm.

Honestly, I was confused.
As the others wrote, it's all over the place.
Try to keep on one subject. Kill it.

God, a red nugget A fat egg under a dog.

Sorry, that line made me giggle. =D

Props.