A Journey Through A Gemstone Paradise

Expand your artistic ability through poetry and story telling. Poetry has been given new life ever since the inception of hip hop. Relax for a minute and explore your poetic side here.

Moderators: Loon E Lou, Kuhlerblynd, Glamtrash, Borat

Post Reply
User avatar
S-a-S
Rookie
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 1:45 am

A Journey Through A Gemstone Paradise

Post by S-a-S »

With a clenched fist I crushed amethyst,
In the palm of my hand lies purple sand,
The wind blew a kiss,
Upon the ground it did land,
Imagine a beach made of this........

Blazing orange desire, the horizons on fire,
The beach lies placid afront a sunset sky,
Protecting the sun as it tires,
As the night draws nigh,
An ocean of rippling sapphire.......

Beginning it’s hike to the edge of night,
Dusk blooms a perfect pearl shaped moon,
Rising from the twilight,
Dispelling the gloom,
Guided only by glittering starlight......

Nightly creations, diamond constellations,
Highlighting the pathway to the break of day,
Resplendent decoration,
An illuminating display,
A beautiful moon and star collaboration.....

Love requited, for a short time they’re reunited,
Under the night sky marquee they journey,
Travellers benighted,
Best friends they be,
Intrusively the looming morning arrives uninvited....

Eclipsed by daybreaks rising, dawn awakes,
Night unwillingly resigns behind the citrine skyline,
Momentarily opaque,
Now gloriously divine,
A truly precious and exquisite daily remake...

Golden sands cupped in the azure skies hands,
An ocean crystal clear, filled with the moons tears,
Sun reflecting off the strand,
This is paradise right here
I genuinely believe I’ve just found my promised land.

S-a-S

User avatar
Alvin
Sudonim Free
Posts: 1956
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:09 am
Wins: 8
Losses: 3
No Shows: 1
Location: CA

Re: A Journey Through A Gemstone Paradise

Post by Alvin »

With a clenched fist I crushed amethyst,
In the palm of my hand lies purple sand,
The wind blew a kiss,
Upon the ground it did land,
Imagine a beach made of this........
This reads like poetry does, your set up made me feel like i was going to read a very intelligent piece, but it slowly diminished.
Blazing orange desire, the horizons on fire,
The beach lies placid afront a sunset sky,
Protecting the sun as it tires,
As the night draws nigh,
An ocean of rippling sapphire.......
Definitly poetry. Nice imagery
Beginning it’s hike to the edge of night,
Dusk blooms a perfect pearl shaped moon,
Rising from the twilight,
Dispelling the gloom,
Guided only by glittering starlight......
eh, not much i can really say about this piece. Nothing too exciting.
Nightly creations, diamond constellations,
Highlighting the pathway to the break of day,
Resplendent decoration,
An illuminating display,
A beautiful moon and star collaboration.....
Nice vocab to draw the pictures in my head.
Love requited, for a short time they’re reunited,
Under the night sky marquee they journey,
Travellers benighted,
Best friends they be,
Intrusively the looming morning arrives uninvited....
my mornings always arive uninvited too. Damn fucker huh
Eclipsed by daybreaks rising, dawn awakes,
Night unwillingly resigns behind the citrine skyline,
Momentarily opaque,
Now gloriously divine,
A truly precious and exquisite daily remake...
Vocab picked up, so it makes for a better read, but by this point, half my brain is sayin "ok, i get it, next topic".
Golden sands cupped in the azure skies hands,
An ocean crystal clear, filled with the moons tears,
Sun reflecting off the strand,
This is paradise right here
I genuinely believe I’ve just found my promised land.
Ok closer, nothing too stand out about it.

I felt as if this belongs in the poem section of the forum. Vocab is nice, but after a while it felt like you were finding 1000 ways to say you like the beach. Nice read non the less, keep posting.

User avatar
S-a-S
Rookie
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Feb 22, 2011 1:45 am

Re: A Journey Through A Gemstone Paradise

Post by S-a-S »

Cheers for the comment fella, very much appreciated, as is any feedback, whether it be good or bad. I thought i posted this in the poetry section of the forum, apologies if i posted in the wrong place, 1st time poster.

The 3rd verse is there to illustrate the journey as the 1st 2 verses are simply all about the imagery, so now you know it's going somewhere instead of it just being a poem describing various scenery.

The 5th verse makes you aware that it's changing from night to day and the journey is coming to an end. I think these 2 verses are needed to break up the imagery and help tell the story of the journey.

I think the last 2 verses are a nice ending, wrapping up the whole journey and completing the transition from night to day. It uses imagery and tells the end of the story which works....... well it does to me anyway.

S-a-S

User avatar
SacredVerse
Dedicated Emcee
Posts: 93
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2009 1:37 am
Wins: 3
Losses: 5
Contact:

Re: A Journey Through A Gemstone Paradise

Post by SacredVerse »

I gotta say I was impressed as fuck, real good imagery and vocab, I especially loved the first line, it got me hooked. For word though, keep at it, I'd like to see some more of your work. P'z
The 1 Man
Image
Wreckin Crew

From Infamous Roc to just Infamous, Now it's Sacred Verse
~I Xbox Cats, his boys'll get a Halo 2~
Daylyt vs Passwurdz

User avatar
Borat
Lazy Ass
Posts: 802
Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2006 10:25 am
Wins: 1
Losses: 2
No Shows: 1

Re: A Journey Through A Gemstone Paradise

Post by Borat »

I agree with rellik, amazing imagry tho.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
POET OF THE YEAR 2011
Image
I'm often soft like cotton but my message is clear, my words hold weight like "dumbos" ears.
Image
Image

User avatar
Immortal Jav
Lyrically Inclined
Posts: 136
Joined: Fri Mar 25, 2011 7:34 am
Wins: 1
Losses: 5

Re: A Journey Through A Gemstone Paradise

Post by Immortal Jav »

dude that was sick. felt like i was right there .props

User avatar
Glamtrash
Poetic Juggernaut
Posts: 1496
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 3:42 pm
Wins: 0
Losses: 0
Location: Where the Treetops Kiss the Stars

Re: A Journey Through A Gemstone Paradise

Post by Glamtrash »

You've got a few kinks to iron out, but there's a lot of otential here. Can't wait to see more.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image

Post Reply

Return to “The Poet's Stage”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest