dark presence

Expand your artistic ability through poetry and story telling. Poetry has been given new life ever since the inception of hip hop. Relax for a minute and explore your poetic side here.

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PEPTIDE
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dark presence

Post by PEPTIDE »

every now and again, i get this feelin' that there might be/
an evil presence down below the earth that wants to spite me/
fight me, wrap me up in flames and ignite me/
take my soul into his clutches, and let the mice feed/
on my rotten corpse, deep below the worlds surface/
killed by the devil just for tryna find my purpose/
now my soul resides, in this eternal furnace/
no hope of escape, so i started spittin' verses/
line by line, my spirit started to find/
paradises of escape, deep inside of my mind/
and whenever i rhymed, my eyes became un-blind/
so i spit at the sky, and pray to god for a heavenly sign.

a quick few lines written to this instrumental http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKxUy0b1 ... re=related

-- Fri Jan 07, 2011 11:26 am --

any criticism/comments would be very much appreciated.

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Glamtrash
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Re: dark presence

Post by Glamtrash »

I always love dark twisted shit, and although i like the concet, I got bored of reading before I was halfway through it. Work on your vocab and use of metahores. You definitely have otential. Look forward to reading more.

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Riggz
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Re: dark presence

Post by Riggz »

I would agree with DeeDee, the use of metaphorical imagery is what's missing her. The poetic structure is simple but catchy but I would expound on the vocab and place more thought on imagery. Not bad though Pep.
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Deception
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Re: dark presence

Post by Deception »

good work. i enjoy dark peices.

the only things i can say is find ur own style thats both interesting and works, and improve you vocab this itself will help imagery.

peace
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NoVeL
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Re: dark presence

Post by NoVeL »

fight me, wrap me up in flames and ignite me/
take my soul into his clutches, and let the mice feed/
on my rotten corpse, deep below the worlds surface/
killed by the devil just for tryna find my purpose/
Very descriptive

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