I want feedback on this

[Proverb]

Its never recommended that you diss a politician/
but if voting doesnt help then maybe this will make em listen/
I been struggling since an infant just to prove that I was gifted/
always treated like Im different cuz my pocket lacked the riches/
always thought of as a hick learnin tricks on how to spit/
if I learn to rock the crowd theres no need to hit a lick/
call the governor and mayor tell em we refuse to pay em/
this democracy is constantly provokin us to hate em/
when i pull the trigger, slugs fly out with a whisper/
the problem fixer, silenced, so im even slicker/
im a young cat addicted to all this weed and liquor/
this terrible mixture just to make my flow a lil sicker/
the flow shifter with my words i can paint pictures/
fuck ya sister then leave and act like i missed her/
my words my verbs cut through you like scissors/
spittin scriptures to the stripper so i dont hafta tip her/

[e2dap]

I liked that this had some meaning to it. It wasn't just just you spitting about how dope or crazy you are or anything generic (for the most part). As far as the rhymes themselves go, the piece seemed a little simplistic.

You kinda fell off around the "pay em...hate em" lines. By falling off I mean that you strayed from the subject matter and it looks like you threw some of those things in there just to rhyme (i.e. fuck your sister then leave and act like i missed her).

Also i tried to kinda spit it in my head to a beat but I just couldn't hear it...I duno if thats on me or you though, lol.

If I had to give you some pointers...I'd say to keep it up! Try to focus on the point of what your writing, or what your trying to get across. I'd also recommend ending on a powerful note (a twist, strong lines, etc). Incorporating more literary elements (metaphors, similies, alliteration, etc) into your writing to give it some depth. Maybe step your vocab game up a wee bit as well.

1

[mOsArt]

I think it was aight...

The Flow was Aight..it was a Battle type Flow..if you are writing why come off with a battle type flow?...Change it up..
the Multi-s aren't needed repeatedly...
You had a little structure like e2dap Stated...then you TeREct Syndrome Us with Fuck Ya Sister blah blah to just fill in the blanks...

Ya Got Skillz keep it up Yo..

[Proverb]

spit it to dope boyz by the game thats the instrumental i did it to otherwise appreciate the feedback feel like i got some potential just need to refine skills

[Xpliss]

I like this shit, after peeping your battle with arv I wanted to see a non-battle verse because I feel you have skills and can make an enjoyable read. If your looking for tips for improvement, iron out your fillers a bit. I feel like your fillers are to bland and they really drop the energy/entertainment value ex. fuck ya sister then leave and act like i missed her/. By completely removing this line that shit is so much better imo. No doubt when your freestyling sometimes it just happens but you will often be judged by how you can break out of it, with something off the wall...

All in all good work man, I can tell you have some shit you really want to say and have potential to bring content which is a big deal to me and a problem with verses these days...

[For Real]

The rhyming was good, and in the early stage I caught onto a great flow, although it got a little rocky before the end. I think the topic is all over the place. You start with politics, with polititians and democracy, mention haters with money in your pockets, go to some generic brag with a lot of 'im dope' lines and then end with a little horror in the fuck your sister stuff. It was hard to follow what you actually intended, but the face value stuff was quite good, just fix the depth.

-- Fri Aug 26, 2011 7:25 pm --

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/castl ... 23770.html
or
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/soldi ... 23742.html

[ippiki_17]

Great flow and multi's, I just wish you would have written more rhymes. Nevertheless it was good, I'll be looking to more of your work dude.

[MonuMental]

It had a nice flow and rhyme scheme, up to a certain point, after which I completely lost the thread of the thought process and my own interest.

Its never recommended that you diss a politician/
but if voting doesnt help then maybe this will make em listen/
I been struggling since an infant just to prove that I was gifted/
always treated like Im different cuz my pocket lacked the riches/
always thought of as a hick learnin tricks on how to spit/
if I learn to rock the crowd theres no need to hit a lick/
call the governor and mayor tell em we refuse to pay em/
this democracy is constantly provokin us to hate em/
when i pull the trigger, slugs fly out with a whisper/
the problem fixer, silenced, so im even slicker/

All that's good. The rest was kinda self hype, imo. Just saying. All in all not a bad piece. You have skills, try to be specific with them.