free my dad

Drop your written rhymes in one of the largest collections of original rhymes on the internet. The feedback in our Written Rhymes section will simply amaze you.

Moderators: Loon E Lou, Enlightend

User avatar
Meika
Lyrically Inclined
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:42 pm
Wins: 2
Losses: 4

free my dad

Post by Meika »

dear dad
my heart skip a beat everytime the phones rings hopein you drop a few calls
i understand your locked up behind prison walls
you only have 11 more yrs dad
as much as it makes me sad
i should be use to it since you been gone 5 ina half years
but only if you knew all tha pain and tha tears
wait maybe you do shit i dont know
your so far away and east sides a long way to go
keep ya head up and stay strong 11 yrs aint that long
even though you wont be there for weeding or graduation
dad will you accept my appretiation
youve done all you can
to change your life and be a better man
to raise 3 kids and be a crazy ass drunk
juss to let you know im still your lil punk
and your princess to
i love you
and dad i cant wait
till the day you see me out the prison gate
nd deric cant wait to see you home
but till then we gona have to walk this road alone
i love it when you wright me a letter
when i have a shitty day i read em to fell better
remember when you took us to the lake
tryna set up the tent in the rain then it got to late
or when you tried to be slim shady
then when you puffed your lipd out like a black lady ?
i remember all those times ima hold em nd forever make em mines
dad why they take you away from us so long ?
you got framed and everthing went wroung
your sentence got fucked up nd made time much longer
but ig thats the type of stuff to make me stronger
your the only one in the family thts actually there for me
besides gma you was the one to care for me
to live with out you i dont know how
welp times runnin out ii gota go now
love always
your princess meika
[center]Image[/center]

User avatar
Jsteel
Rhyme Master
Posts: 153
Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:59 pm
Wins: 3
Losses: 17
Location: south africa,durban

Re: free my dad

Post by Jsteel »

its nice,i can feel some of the emotion that your trying to portray,a simple verse,could use some metaphors ,puns etc ,and try to describe your emotions more,dive deeper

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image

User avatar
Meika
Lyrically Inclined
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:42 pm
Wins: 2
Losses: 4

Re: free my dad

Post by Meika »

thnx i actually endid up cryin while writin it haha
[center]Image[/center]

User avatar
leeroi green
Rap Assassin
Posts: 584
Joined: Mon Sep 27, 2010 1:23 pm
Wins: 12
Losses: 13
No Shows: 1
Location: san diego ca

Re: free my dad

Post by leeroi green »

there is a lot of feeling in this i would suggest telling the story if it is a letter to your father paint him a picture the emotion will still come through now if it is to the reader you can tell us the story any way you want try to be creative although there is nothing wrong with being straight forward
Image
Image

User avatar
Tha Dark Prince
Rhyme Master
Posts: 157
Joined: Wed Mar 16, 2011 2:41 am
Wins: 5
Losses: 6
Location: Chatsworth - Durban
Contact:

Re: free my dad

Post by Tha Dark Prince »

Thats deep, I think the simpleless gives it a distinct feeling, which works for these kinda things sometimes, makes it more emotional which clearly is the main factor in this

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image

User avatar
iloveyoujohnny
Rookie
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri May 06, 2011 11:59 pm

Re: free my dad

Post by iloveyoujohnny »

i loved it buddie (: it sounded great .

User avatar
Meika
Lyrically Inclined
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:42 pm
Wins: 2
Losses: 4

Re: free my dad

Post by Meika »

Aww thnxx buddie (:

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
[center]Image[/center]

User avatar
Ambiguous Realm
Army Of Three
Posts: 3522
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2006 3:57 pm
Wins: 46
Losses: 14
No Shows: 2
Location: Earth
Contact:

Re: free my dad

Post by Ambiguous Realm »

i don't think any puns are needed for something like this @ jsteel

i liked it, the simplicity of the melody gave it a more realistic vibe, i don't know if this is true or not, if so then in ways i can relate, if there's anything i could say about the actual writing itself, it'd be that you could use some more details to paint a deeper more vivid image of what you feel, overall i liked this piece, i think it would fit better in the poetic section of illest but good stuff hope to see more material from you
Image

User avatar
Meika
Lyrically Inclined
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:42 pm
Wins: 2
Losses: 4

Re: free my dad

Post by Meika »

Its all true 100%

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
[center]Image[/center]

User avatar
EcKsTaSy
Rhyme Master
Posts: 222
Joined: Thu May 12, 2011 12:51 pm
Wins: 7
Losses: 5
Location: Cali, great place to visit

Re: free my dad

Post by EcKsTaSy »

powerful drop meika.good spin

User avatar
Joe Saint
Rhyme Master
Posts: 244
Joined: Mon Apr 25, 2011 7:39 am
Wins: 5
Losses: 13

Re: free my dad

Post by Joe Saint »

Decent drop the only thimg is put a little more imagery into it but over all i would say 8.5/10

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image

User avatar
Meika
Lyrically Inclined
Posts: 128
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2011 11:42 pm
Wins: 2
Losses: 4

Re: free my dad

Post by Meika »

thanks im makin a song into it :D

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
[center]Image[/center]

User avatar
-MenaCe-
Flow Creation
Flow Creation
Posts: 1397
Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2009 9:28 am
Wins: 22
Losses: 19
No Shows: 1
Location: New York
Contact:

Re: free my dad

Post by -MenaCe- »

I'm feelin this ....very deep good drop

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
E-Makulate Metaphorz
" Ya'll Can't Stop Tha Movement!! "
Image

User avatar
QwarterZ
Rap Professional
Posts: 1688
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 7:01 am
Wins: 4
Losses: 9

Re: free my dad

Post by QwarterZ »

a very emotional piece..which is nice either way you look at it...it may not be as lyrical as some would expect...but it still helps a person realize a lot does happen in the world...brings you back to reality for a moment...and this is your way of coping...nice job..keep writing

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image

Catastropic
Novice
Posts: 52
Joined: Tue Jul 19, 2011 3:03 pm
Losses: 3
No Shows: 1

Re: free my dad

Post by Catastropic »

NICE...ALMOST MADE ME SHED TEARZ.

Post Reply

Return to “Written Rhymes”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 15 guests