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Death let me know

Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 12:52 pm
by Poe-It ... 21970.html ... 21465.html

see im constant but never changing a cloud forever hanging
not discriminant you could be a priest or a thug thats always banging
from a toad to a bird even mother nature is second to my force
every heartbeat is controlled but ill let u run your course
personified in all myths as the punishment for some sin
but not true not an executioner i dont even choose when
im the guide from life to the after life im action not the cause
not all powerful but some reason my name seems to give pause
used to be a constant struggle but now i just play my role
i help spirits walk a path i comfort pain of the fallen souls
im writing these words using the pen of one whose taken his last breath
enjoy because i barely let people get a inside view of death

hit me up i got some stuff to work on so criticism would be sweet

Re: Death let me know

Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 4:30 pm
by The Gonz
Not bad, not bad. Good imagery and vocab for the most part but the rhyme schemes seemed a tad bit bland for my taste. Try using multies more and definitely take advantage of using at least 16 lines since this was a very short read that really didnt lead up to anything in particular. I think you could definitely expand on this and make it a lot more polished.

Re: Death let me know

Posted: Fri May 06, 2011 12:21 am
by Poe-It
preciate it uppin