more zombie b.s.

Drop your written rhymes in one of the largest collections of original rhymes on the internet. The feedback in our Written Rhymes section will simply amaze you.

Moderators: Loon E Lou, Enlightend

Post Reply
User avatar
Borat
Lazy Ass
Offline
Posts: 802
Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2006 10:25 am
Wins: 1
Losses: 2
No Shows: 1

more zombie b.s.

Post by Borat »

Roll over, alarm clock in my ear, I'm hung over, chicks not talkin to clear.
Try to make sense of all the mumbles and cry's, wonderin why, my heart is rushin inside.
She speaks "keep clean of the city streets, these things that we've seen, they gotta thirst for meat" human flesh? Na. This must be a dream, slap myself to wake, but I'm still In the scene,
So I, stand steady both hands are sweaty, I jet to the shed, snatch pop's machette, I wedge it between my dungree's and belt, run inside for a phone line to call for help.
Must be, police, fuckin with me, cause I was greeted with a greeting from a fuckin machine.
Just then, took a turn, seen em' takin turns, greg laid there, blank stare, startin to turn,
Foamin at the lips, spewin blood, when he spitts, I'm stoppin nothin with hits, so I reach for my hip, grip the blade in my fists, claim one limb, turn around to take off runnin, I'm rushin they stumblin, try to hold a focused mind, I know as far as I go they follow close behind...
Wait, its my chance to escape, run thru the grass leap the front gate, thru a couple of yards, reach the corner of 100 n 8th, on my way to that place where I took half my dates... dam wait, its that chick from the house, how'd she get here so quick? And why's there blood on her mouth? Nevermind, don't care for what its about, reach to my waist and pull the blade out, run up take a swing relieve the queen of her wig, run past as she lands on the gravel, I throw my shoulder thru the theater door, fall thru 3 floors till I reach a morge, stand up, scene I seen I could barely believe, was like that zombie movie I saw last week. Haha

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
User avatar
M-Vario
Lyrically Inclined
Offline
Posts: 146
Joined: Tue Mar 30, 2010 8:38 pm
Wins: 5
Losses: 6

Re: more zombie b.s.

Post by M-Vario »

FIRE!

I want to become a mod so i can ban you if you EVER stop making these! once again a very enjoyable read.
it dont gotta be summer for me to come up north with da birds~Murda for bricks
or Murda by numbers WHEN i Point the 1-2 gauges tre' or fo-five at ya six
- me
AKA Tito Fairbanks
User avatar
Borat
Lazy Ass
Offline
Posts: 802
Joined: Mon Mar 06, 2006 10:25 am
Wins: 1
Losses: 2
No Shows: 1

Re: more zombie b.s.

Post by Borat »

Haha word. Good lookin out homie, preciate the feed boys

[ Post made via Mobile Device ] Image
User avatar
K KiLLaH
Rap King
Offline
Posts: 811
Joined: Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:38 am
Wins: 20
Losses: 5

Re: more zombie b.s.

Post by K KiLLaH »

shits dope fix ya structure shits still dope 7/10 woulda got 8.5 but u fell off towards the end
User avatar
QwarterZ
Rap Professional
Offline
Posts: 1688
Joined: Thu Oct 29, 2009 7:01 am
Wins: 4
Losses: 9

Re: more zombie b.s.

Post by QwarterZ »

This was actually purdy dope
I don't know...the other one and this one are neck n neck
this one had more visual tho'
but the other one seemed on point structure wise
keep writing! I enjoyed it!
User avatar
citizenslain
Rookie
Offline
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Apr 16, 2010 5:38 am

Re: more zombie b.s.

Post by citizenslain »

dope overall for sure. i like the subtlety between your line 7.9/10 from me
User avatar
Munteskue_lol
Elite Freestyler
Offline
Posts: 305
Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 3:05 pm
Wins: 4
Losses: 5

Re: more zombie b.s.

Post by Munteskue_lol »

lyrical content was amazing. I couldn't make it flow in my head though

-- Fri Apr 23, 2010 5:10 pm --

lyrical content was amazing. I couldn't make it flow in my head though
User avatar
JDR
Da Punchline King
Offline
Posts: 878
Joined: Sat Jan 23, 2010 12:13 pm
Wins: 48
Losses: 3
No Shows: 3

Re: more zombie b.s.

Post by JDR »

Not to bad or good IMO. I like the story tellin' but thought the rhymes were pretty basic and the structure was messed up. Seen a few decent lines but would of liked it more if you wouldn't of dropped so many 1 line rhymin' words in the same sentence. If you threw a couple of multies in there and fit it together better, would of been pretty nice. Either way, keep elevatin'. 1
Battle Record
40-2
Image
2010 Awards
Illest Battler || Illest Punchline Artist || Battle of the Year -vs- Cee4
Post Reply

Return to “Written Rhymes”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests