Hip Hop Forum

Rules
10 Bars/20 lines (MAX)
Due 96 hours(4 days) from time of this thread
First to 5 votes, no kos or tkos,

Categories
-Storytelling
-Flow
-Creativity
-Rhyme scheme
-Metaphors & Similes
-Consistency
-Impact

TOPIC

A young lady named darlene with stark dreams and a porcelain smile
allows the winds from Heaven to pour in her pores for a while
with her arms out and feet together like prepared for a crucifiction
this tribulation will feed the urge thats her true addiction
the majestic country acres lay out as the canvas for her final art
she awaits to be painted red by the brush that severs her spine apart
she felt herself start to fall off track due to fate's precision
her route got detoured so she made the decision to face collision
ten minutes from her home where she learned the ways of the farm
and ten years after she moved back home to escape the harm
of the city life she tried to emulate from false misconceptions
she returned derailed off course...navigated towards a misdirection
back in her hometown it looked the same but the people changed
people she knew either passed away, moved or became deranged
now here strolled darlene in her late twenties tip toed on steel
performing a balancing act thats symbolic to the way that she feels
some moments of control mixed with a failed daily existance
while walking a cold line that links to whats missing
the ending to a portrait thats expressed to remind
that departing means having to catch the train on time...

imagine a great start, Jane, mark, a small train stop, and passion that stays hot
then fast forward to the actions deranged, lost of a stranger stabbing at Jane's heart
marks reaction grab him, but his jacket it came off, then he was stabbed in the same spot
the man was laughing then pain stops, it went black and then that's when he wakes up
every night's the same dream, most days seems to move forward only by insane means
u see mark doesn't want the pain ta dull so every day he waits until the train leaves
and walks to where his past begins, meets his lover there, more then that his friend
in his mind Jane has come back again, she hugs him hard, they share a laugh and then
she continues down the tracks with him, he has spent his days this same way for years
and it always ends mainly with tears, as she disappears even if he's praying shes there

but today as Jane appears, she's blatantly scared...

yelling out "its so crazy, I'm here trying to balance life with no one holding me steady"
she tells herself "you will know when Ur ready to move on from these emotions so heavy"
then his pain it had came back as she spoke of her future the delusions he made crashed
his reality changed fast as it was mark that wasn't there an Jane alone on the train tracks

Aight, First off, dope verses from the both of you, A very good final. Here's my vote, take it or leave it

Categorically....

Storytelling
- Well ... I'm gonna have to give this as a tie. Both of you had a great story. Although Enlightend's had a setting i.e a beginning, middle and end, while QB's verse was more incomplete - it was more of an ending of a story, QB's verse was more better in a narrative sense, so I feel its best if I give this a tie. +(1/2)

Flow
- QB gets this. His verse was easy to skim through, while Enlightend's were very forced and it got me confused on what the rhyme was. Although you had more inner rhymes, it didn't flow as good as QB's and it sounded choppy. (+1 QB)


Creativity
- QB deserved this more in my opinion. Some of the lines he came up with were just too dope e,g,
"the majestic country acres lay out as the canvas for her final art
she awaits to be painted red by the brush that severs her spine apart"
His verse was more poetic, while Enlightend's lacked the creativity compared to QB. (+1 QB)

Rhyme scheme
- Enlightend got this one for me. It's very hard to use multis on topicals, but the way you used it on your verse especially on the first line was amazing. QB, although used the multis nicely, lacked it compared to Enlightend. (+1 Enlightend)

Metaphors & Similes
- There wasn't really that much metaphors and similes, but I'm gonna have to give it to QB for actually including them for example the above quote mentioned, plus
" ... with her arms out and feet together like prepared for a crucifiction"
(+1 QB)


Consistency
- QB was more consistent with his flow and lines. Most of Enlightend's lines were forced, and it kinda ruined the flow. If Enlightend had a better flow to his verse, it would've been at least a tie, if not Enlightend would've got this cat. (+1 QB)

Impact
- QB's verse gave me more of an impact than Enlightend. I kinda expected the ending from the both of you, but QB's verse as a whole got me. Enlightend's verse also gave an impact, but QB's consistency of the verse gave a bigger impact. (+1 QB)

Categorical score: Enlightend 1.5 | 5.5 3rd String QB

Overall, it was a realy great final and the both of you definitely stepped up to the plate,. Enlightends verse was really dope; it had good lines, a great story with a good yet expected ending, but at times the lines were forced which kinda got me lost at time. QB's verse was more consistent, and made very little and vague errors. Again .. a great final and props to the both of you of showing up .. but the winner for me was ...

3rd String QB

shit was gangsta on both ends... good battle. i aint voting though just making a statement

this battle was decent,not bad guys you both seem to be getting better
there was depth within the stories,alot of emotions displayed,
both emcees were passionate about their verses,i liked the twists and turns to the verses,so congrats to both of you
Storytelling:tie
Flow:3rdstringQB
Creativity:3rd string QB
Rhyme scheme:3rdstring
Metaphors & Similes:Tie
Consistency:tie,or maybe 3rd
Impact:tie,you both did a nice job
this was entertaining,you both did work and i enjoyed it
MVGT:3rd string qb

for story telling an scene setting qb wins, perfect descriptions of the image if i were to close my eyes and hear those lines that picture would have formed.
for flow and rhyme scheme enlightend wins i like his opening lines an the way he switches from one rhyming word to another and then back again.
for impact id say enlightend wins his story leaves you feeling it was actually part of a story an thats not easy to do with rhymes.
for impact id say qb his verse was more deep and meaningful an had real emotion behind it also id vot qb for consistency his story seemed to have a beginning middle and end more distinguishable than enlightends.
and as for metaphors an similies there wasnt much by either rapper. in my opinion 3rd stringQB. wins this but my opinions count for shit. an people will accuse me of dickriding qb for the help he's given me no homo i genuinely think qb won....

swag......nuff said

-Storytelling i feel this went to third because he went into deatil with his story

-Flow im going to give it a tie both were prettty dope and consistant

-Creativity ima give it to the 3rd again because overall it was hell creative and caught my attention

-Rhyme scheme i give to E because i saw where he was goin and is was ill

-Metaphors & Similes tie in my opinion

-Consistency qb he stayed consistent throughout his entire verse

-Impact tie u guys went in great battle keep it up

my bad lol mvgt 3rd

It looks like I have won with the 5-0 sweep. I would like to thank E for being a good sport. We put on a smashing good show.

No doubt... we will have to do it again in the future...

Well then seeing as Evo is absent, Congradulations 3rd.


Thread closed & Records Updated.